Hey again.

So yesterday I was having a bit of a mental breakdown about all the crap I'm going through right now, which kinda sucked. I wrote some angsty poetry (lol) and listened to piano music. So I'm just super lonely right now, and I wish I had a freaking boyfriend right now because I need some love D: I feel like everybody I know is just sorta slipping away. I never see my brother, my dad is over in Westpoint working, my mom is always busy pretending do do important things or freaking sleeping all day because she is a lazy bitch with mental problems who thinks it's okay to lie and slack off and generally be a useless money hole. Great female role model, right? lol, it's a good thing I don't really give a shit about her because otherwise her crazyness might have rubbed off on me by now. I pretty much gave up on caring about her when I was ten. I couldn't take her bullshit anymore, and I had poured so much love into this black hole and gotten nothing out. Sometimes I just wish my dad would freaking divorce her already. It's not like they love eachother or anything anyways. And I should know, considering my mom tells me about her sex life all the fucking time (she has none, by the way) because she's a whiny bitch who has no real friends and uses me as a big freaking therapist. Yeah, I TOTALLY need THAT bullshit aside from my OWN fucking problems. *sigh*

So I kind of need some proffesional help right now, which I already have- lol therapy! But what I think I REALLY need is somebody who really really loves me, who will call me every night to see how my day went, who I can look forward to seeing... but sadly, I can't have a boyfriend because I'm moving and would have to leave him anyways. Plus, nobody at my high school gives a shit about me because they're all a bunch of midless selfish dipshits who can't even open their eyes to look around them for once in the miserable lives. God, I just wanna throw rocks at peoples houses! This is so unlike me... God, I'm fucking MENTAL right now! What am I going to do!?!?

This past summer...

Ugh! That's all I have to say about it. It's been a terrible, terrible summer in all aspects! Firstly, my school let out way too late, and my summer break only actually really started for me on the first of July. Then, of course the weather's been absolutely horrible! It's been the rainiest summer ever recorded in my area, and the skies were just consistently grey and ugly. Then I went to Young Life camp up in the mountains hoping it would be the vacation I so desperately needed, only to be completely blown off by my friend (the one I refuse to see ever again, for reasons quite related to her behavior this summer). She said some really stupid bullshit that made me want to leave her and my god-forsaken little town for good, which may actually happen (it's about a 70% chance, I'd say) because my dad was laid off half a year ago, and has virtually exhausted the job field in this area.

So I had to deal with the stress of maybe-moving the WHOLE summer and on top of that I kept questioning my relationship with my now ex-boyfriend. Then it was my birthday the day I got home from camp, but it took me two weeks to have a party for it because I'd been too busy planning for the camping trip which actually ended up being one of the WORST weeks of my life. The ironic thing is, even though it was a horrible week, I still had to pay my parents half of the camp fee, $250.00 ! So it was like I payed to be miserable somewhere else, when I could have been miserable right here! (lol)

Anyways so my birthday party which I had been looking forward to forever and a half was terrible as well. I'd given my ex-friend one more chance by inviting her to the party, but she was a complete bitch and pretty much sucked every body's attention dry. ( --Does that make sense to anybody else...?)

Yep, she's a fun-sucker.

Anyways, so she gobbled up every body's attention and I was left in the back of the room wondering how I wasn't even part of the conversation, considering it was at my house and I was the host and everything (not to mention it was kind of my birthday, lol). So my ex-friend steals my laptop (without asking, how rude is that...??) and just starts showing all of these random videos to people, and I'm in the corner like, "what just happened...?"

So I left.

Period. I just left the room, went downstairs, and would you know it took those *grits her teeth trying not to call her friends bad names* @$%&*$@# ten whole minutes before they even realised I was gone? Kind of amazing, since I had to practically step on their faces to get to the door and everything.

So yeah, I was really pissed off this summer... plus all the crops we planted in our garden were stunted first by the lousy weather, then the ones that actually did manage to grow were eaten off by lousy raccoons before they even got ripe, and my brother proceeded to trap and kill the raccoons without asking me or anybody else, which really pissed me off because I'm wiccan and the whole "I F-ing love the whole world" thing, so yeah, it was a terrible summer.

Sheesh. And I still am probably going to move, but at this point, hell, I want to get out of this stinking place.

Got the going back to school blues?

I do too... I'm definitely not looking forward to it... but hey, at least I'm going to have my drivers permit by then...! Not that I could drive a car to school even if I wanted to, but I guess it's something.

I'm just not really excited about seeing the same people again and again every day (most of which barely acknoledge my existence). It just gets old. It also gets annoying, once people start spreading rumors about you that don't ever seem to go away... I've got some nasty ones about me too. Apparently some people think I'm stuck up and that's why I don't usually talk to people out of my immediate freind circle (which is so infintessimally small it's not even funny; it's rather sad actually). Also there's one about me being a lesbian. Not true! My boyfriend can attest to that. People just assume that I like girls because they never see me with any guys in school. Why you ask? They're all completely immature. That's why I ended up dating a guy four years older than me, and even then he's still a bit immature at times. Suffice to say, he already graduated high school so he's never around me during the day. *boo* That's why people think I'm a lesbian. Also because one of my former frie-I mean leeches, who shall go unnamed tagged along with me so much people thought we were...*shiver* dating. Bleck. So now I have all these retarded rumors floating around my head for no good reason. At least I have my art to carry me through, eh? Even though I'm one of the best artists at my high school nobody seems to know I even like art. Weird, huh? I know...I don't get it either. I do have to admit I get a sort of rush every time somebody looks over my desk and says "Oh my god, did you draw that...!?". It's not really enough to get me through general adversity unscathed, though. ...Pity.

I also have this guy who keeps stalking me at school. The worst part is, we were in classes together since pre-school and I can remember him doing some pretty horrible stuff, but he doesn't remember me at all, and fell hopelessly in love with me last year. As I said before, I already have a boyfriend #1, #2, I don't really like him...plus he's not excatly adonnis if you get my drift. *Takes sharp inhalation of air and sighs* WHY is it that only the crazy people stalk me? Why can't I get stalked by a hot guy for once!? (Yup, I've been stalked before, too. Creepy, eh?) Anyways, I hope he forgot about me over the summer. I'd hate to break his little heart, y'know?

So remember how in school there was always that one guy who you were madly in love with but he had no clue you even existed? Same here. Sort of. He says hi to me in the halls and everything, but he's a year older than me and not in any of my classes, so I almost never see him. *cry* And I know, I know, I already have a boyfriend, so I shouldn't even be thinking about other guys, but... but... curse him! Why must he be so hot!? He's an artist like me, too, and he even plays the sax and takes french. Holy crap, right? I've known him since 6th grade... and I've crushed on him since then too. He's always been my 'what if' guy, and I've tried really hard to get him to notice me a bit more, but nothing seems to work out. It's like fate hates me. *boo* I love my boyfriend to death, but there's just something about my 'what if' guy that he doesn't have... and I get this feeling around him like metal drawn to a magnet. I guess I started going out with my current boyfriend because he's just...always been there, y'know? And we share tragic pasts (family matters gone awry). But I have this feeling it can't go on much longer... he, meanwhile, is obsessed with me in a great way, and the nicest guy I've ever met, but I just can't see me marrying him, and if I can't see that then why am I with him? I think he was always just a really, really good friend. ...With kissing. I don't know how I can break a heart made of gold! It' just so hard. I've thought about breaking up with him for half a year already but I just can't seem to do it! And he's clueless about how I feel. When I'm with him it's like, "I love you!" And when I'm alone it's like, "...but do I really?". Anyways, the whole situation is horrible. It's like one man presents a stable, fun relationship, and the other offers a whole new exciting world with all these awesome possibilities, and I guess one could say my relationship with my boyfriend has gotton stale, but only on my half of the biscuit, hear me? *headdesk*

So school.

Yeah.

Not looking forward to it.