Friday, September 18, 2009

Despair




Jobe

The lord giveth, and the lord taketh away

...

Hey, me here. Just about ready to kill myself.

I broke up with my boyfriend, I broke up with my best friend, my cats have been taken from me, I never see my brother anymore, and I'm probably moving.

So... yeah. I guess... I don't really have anybody left. For some reason I really miss my grandma, I want to talk to her, I guess, but she died when I was little. So...

I don't even know why I'm writing this, just that I should... And... God, I'm just lonely... I don't even have my cat anymore...

I just... wonder how much more of this I can take. I'm not sure I really have anything left to lose, you know?

...the happy smiles on the little kids faces, as they stared at my cat, their new pet...make me...sick. The whole time afterward I felt like I was going to pass out or throw up or maybe both.

Fish can never love you.

Listening to quiet music and wondering what's left...

Monday, September 14, 2009

I Will Remember You- Sarah Mclachlan

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

Remember all the good times that we had

We let them slip away from us when things got bad

Clearly I first saw you, smiling in the sun

I want to feel your warmth upon me, I want to be the one

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired,I can't sleep

Standin' on the edge of something much too deep

It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word

We are screaming inside, we can't be heard

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose

Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose

Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night

Gave me everything he had, oh he gave me life

And I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

Weep not for the memories

God...

I'm so lonely...

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Bleed It Out- Linkin Park


Yeah here we go for the hundredth time
Hand grenade pins in every line

Throw 'em up and let something shine
Going out of my fucking mind

Filthy mouth, no excuse
Find a new place to hang this noose

String me up from atop these roofs
Knot it tight so i won't get loose

Truth is you can stop and stare
Run myself out and no one cares

Dug the trench out laid down there
With a shovel up out of reach somewhere

Yeah, someone pour it in
Make it a dirt dance floor again

Say your prayers and stomp it out
When they bring that chorus in

[Chorus]
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out
[End Chorus]

Go stop the show
Choppy words and a sloppy flow

Shotgun opera lock and load
Cock it back and then watch it go

Mama help me I've been cursed
Death is rolling in every verse

Candy paint on his brand new hearse
Can't contain him he knows he works

Fuck this hurts, I won't lie
Doesn't matter how hard I try

Half the words don't mean a thing
And I know that I wont be satisfied

So why try ignoring him
Make it a dirt dance floor again

Say your prayers and stomp it out
When they bring that chorus in

[Chorus]
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out

I've opened up these scars
I'll make you face this

I've pulled myself so far
I'll make you, face, this, now!!!!

[Chorus]
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away

Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away

I bleed it out
I bleed it out
I bleed it out

Hello, World

So I've made it through the week alive and tomorrow's friday so I can rejoice. Even though I haven't been getting much work from classes, my schedule is still hectic as all-get-out, so I still come home exhausted. I've been having to take a nap every day after school and that is something I've never ever had to do before, so I think having so little contact in my classes with other people is really draining my energy. *sigh* but enough about me. Oh... wait, no, this is my blog and I'm allowed to rant on here. Nevermind.

Anyways, so Mabon is in 11 days and I'm not even sure what to do about it because I've been passed out like all week and I only just remembered about it now. (lol) No, seriously, like right now, as I was typing this. So... for obvious reasons my little tri-coven won't be getting together, since it was only me, my best friend and my ex-best friend... but I'm definitely going to have a bonfire. With smores. Maybe.

Yeah, that sounds good for now. I'll plan it later. For now, I write!

-Carling

Sunday, September 6, 2009

And you know what...?


My ex-friend and I, we share the same name.... and I want nothing to do with it. Everytime I look at my schoolwork, cards, anything, I always am reminded of her. In those five little letters, I don't see myself, I see the smirking face of a condescending bitch who deserves nothing of me.

And, thusly, I formally denounce my name.

I mind it not, in sooth, does not a rose smell just as sweet by any other name? Mayhap it may smell even sweeter.

This past summer...


Ugh! That's all I have to say about it. It's been a terrible, terrible summer in all aspects! Firstly, my school let out way too late, and my summer break only actually really started for me on the first of July. Then, of course the weather's been absolutely horrible! It's been the rainiest summer ever recorded in my area, and the skies were just consistently grey and ugly. Then I went to Young Life camp up in the mountains hoping it would be the vacation I so desperately needed, only to be completely blown off by my friend (the one I refuse to see ever again, for reasons quite related to her behavior this summer). She said some really stupid bullshit that made me want to leave her and my god-forsaken little town for good, which may actually happen (it's about a 70% chance, I'd say) because my dad was laid off half a year ago, and has virtually exhausted the job field in this area.


So I had to deal with the stress of maybe-moving the WHOLE summer and on top of that I kept questioning my relationship with my now ex-boyfriend. Then it was my birthday the day I got home from camp, but it took me two weeks to have a party for it because I'd been too busy planning for the camping trip which actually ended up being one of the WORST weeks of my life. The ironic thing is, even though it was a horrible week, I still had to pay my parents half of the camp fee, $250.00 ! So it was like I payed to be miserable somewhere else, when I could have been miserable right here! (lol)


Anyways so my birthday party which I had been looking forward to forever and a half was terrible as well. I'd given my ex-friend one more chance by inviting her to the party, but she was a complete bitch and pretty much sucked every body's attention dry. ( --Does that make sense to anybody else...?)

Yep, she's a fun-sucker.


Anyways, so she gobbled up every body's attention and I was left in the back of the room wondering how I wasn't even part of the conversation, considering it was at my house and I was the host and everything (not to mention it was kind of my birthday, lol). So my ex-friend steals my laptop (without asking, how rude is that...??) and just starts showing all of these random videos to people, and I'm in the corner like, "what just happened...?"


So I left.


Period. I just left the room, went downstairs, and would you know it took those *grits her teeth trying not to call her friends bad names* @$%&*$@# ten whole minutes before they even realised I was gone? Kind of amazing, since I had to practically step on their faces to get to the door and everything.


So yeah, I was really pissed off this summer... plus all the crops we planted in our garden were stunted first by the lousy weather, then the ones that actually did manage to grow were eaten off by lousy raccoons before they even got ripe, and my brother proceeded to trap and kill the raccoons without asking me or anybody else, which really pissed me off because I'm wiccan and the whole "I F-ing love the whole world" thing, so yeah, it was a terrible summer.


Sheesh. And I still am probably going to move, but at this point, hell, I want to get out of this stinking place.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Wiccan music, chants, and Lisa Theil!



So I thought I'd put together a list of my favorite songs and chants for all the other witches out there. Plus, I'm in a good mood! (Amazing! That never happens! *cough, on a school night, cough*) Oh sarcasm, I luff thee. <3>



The past week and my familiar's impending doom

Well I survived the first day of Junior year... although I think I'm going to have to drop an elective because not having a lunch is so very painful. My schedule's pretty hectic too. Oh, I saw my, er- ex-friend in the hallways and she still hasn't figured out that I don't want to be friends with her anymore, but I think she'll get the picture soon. And, Gods be praised, I have NO CLASSES with her!! *throws hands up in the air ecstatically*

So I have a long weekend off and I plan to enjoy every second of it! Last night was a full moon, so I listened to a ton of lovely wiccan music, most by Lisa Theil, who is an amazing singer, by the way, and I sat outside and stared at the moon for a long time with my black cat, Blackjack. It was a great day and I feel really refreshed this morning!

On a sad note, though, my mother who is allergic to cats seems hell-bent on getting rid of my wonderful familiar, who is truly the nicest cat you could ever hope to meet, and it's been almost a year of her threats to do this... this time though, she found a place near us willing to "take him in." It's terrible! For the past year everyone she meets she immediately tries to bargain my cat off to them! Right in front of me too! And I've had my cat for five years already, and he is seriously like my little baby! I can't even imagine what will happen once he's gone. My mother already gave my other cat, Hiver, away to my uncle in Illinois this past summer. I'm just so angry at her... and I've tried everything I could think of to persuade her to keep him, but she just won't listen to anybody else's opinion, even though the rest of my family all wants Blackjack to stay. *exsasperated sigh* What is a witch without her cat? A very lonely one, for sure.