I haz interwebz!

Just got internet so I figured I'd post and let you know I'm alive. ...Whoever the hell you are...

Anyways, yeah, I have so much to say that I can't even think of wha to write so I'm just gonna leave that for another time when I fell more in the mood to rant. I had a busy day as usual so I just fell like chilling and watching some mind numbeing cable (which I also just got!)

Oh, as something to entertain yourselves, here are some awesome songs I found!

July Flame by Laura Veirs

In For the Kill by La Roux

Anthem by Filo & Peri featuring Eric Lumiere (Nic Chagall remix)

Have a great day! (Oh, yeah...the Catwoman pic is because she's in NYC which is where I'm near.)

(...And I love Catwoman...) :)

Moving sucks D:

Hey guys! Life's been super crazy lately so I haven't had time to post anything.

So I'm moving in 2 days, the mover are putting all my crap in a truck tomorrow. I gave my betta fish to my one russian friend and her sister, so now all I have to worry about fish wise is my aquarium. Appparently you're supposed to put them in water filled trash bags inside a cooler when moving them :/ Sounds hard. Hope they don't die. Anyways, so the new house is kinda cool, but it's been hell trying to figure out what to take and all, but even more so because my parents won't let me do jack shit. The house is pretty much all white, with little carpet, and what we do hae is grey. It also has ugly wood paneling all over one room and then a stupid wood chair thread ( a singualr wall panel running horizontally that is about the height of a chair off the ground) running around practically the whole house. BLAH. Ick. They don't want me to even try to fix it so it looks nice D: The only room they're letting me fix is my own so far, and if I do a "good job" they'll CONSIDER letting me paint the rest of the house. What dicks--I'm trying to make the house look good, and they won't even let me, let alone help me at all, and they won't even pay for the fucking paint! How stupid is that!?! GAH! Plus the last owner had the great idea to paint a big ugly blue stripe of paint above the fireplace. Yes, ONLY above the fireplace, in a white room, with wood panels. How gay is that! Omg!

At least the house has a cool deck and stairs and crap, because otherwise I'd go insane. Although, in a completely white house I just might anyways. :/

So OTHER than the whole house fiasco, this friday was my last day of school here. Imagine-no school till NEXT YEAR! How awesome! but it suck to move in the middle of the school year. >:(
Plus I won't ever see my friends again, which is retarded, AND I have to go college hunting to boot, because I already had my heart set on Buff State, but by the time I go to college, we might not even have our house here anymore. D:<

Moving in the middle of winter also SUCKS because it's cold and frigid and snowing and I won't get to see what the new area looks like with plants. Basically my first inpression of my new home is going to be a big, barren icy wasteland. Like Antartica D:

Plus myparents and I have been disagreeing over where to put the furniture and crap, and it's kinda retarded because the house is kind of an open floor plan, so the rooms just sort of meld into one another. So we're to have like a tv and speakers and shit in the middle of our dining room with a random-ass fireplace to boot. GREAT.

I ALSO still owe my client 2 water colors before I leave, which is what I should be doing right now instead of typing this, but I'm too damn lazy and have put it off for like a month :P

We've been too busy to put up christmas decorations or a tree yet, so it doesn't even feel like Christmas time, and that sucks majorly. I was so looking forward to Christmas, a stable, traditional holiday, i the middle of all this confusion and chaos, but now it looks like it's gonna be really crappy. By the time we put up stuff at the new house, it'll be like a week till Christmas, and then we'll have to take it down again so soon! But at least I convinced my parents to get a real tree this year, because we really can't take our crappy fake one with us, and the real tree will smell up the whole house. Yum...evergreen :)

So, that's all for now, and by the time I post a new entry I'll probably be over at the new place. See you guys later!

Update! (Emo rantings and some good advice!)

Right now I'm caught i the middle of two different lives... the old one here, and the new one awaiting me at my new home. It's kinda weird...really surreal, and kind of numb, like you know everything going on around you is pointless now, but you also are trying to savor it because you know it will be gone soon... I'm nervous about it, the move; will I be able to find someone for me there? I' building all these hopes up, that this can be a fresh start, that I can reinvent myself a little and lead a better life, but I'm really scared that when I get there nothing will have changed, and it will all be the same.

I'm so damn lonely, god, it really sucks. I miss having somebody who really loves me, who actually gives a flying shit about what I do and how I think... It's just so dismal without a boyfriend, which maybe some might think is me just afraid to be alone, which it sort of is... the thing is, really, that I have all this love built up inside waiting for somebody to be poured into, but I don't have anybody like that anymore, so the love is just sort of festering inside my soul like old perfume. It hurts to have love for someone who doesn't exist...

I need somebody to pull me up, because I'm fallin' and I'm fallin' hard.

Hope everybody out there has somebody like that. Don't lose them. You don't realize what you had until it's gone, and this is the most important thing in your life. Live without fear, love without regret, embrace like the world is ending.

An old poem i wrote...

No one

could have predicted this

That things would turn out

the way they did

Don't be fooled, it's not the truth

but it could be

screams the meager voice

it could be

and maybe

that's what scares me the most

Hey again.

So yesterday I was having a bit of a mental breakdown about all the crap I'm going through right now, which kinda sucked. I wrote some angsty poetry (lol) and listened to piano music. So I'm just super lonely right now, and I wish I had a freaking boyfriend right now because I need some love D: I feel like everybody I know is just sorta slipping away. I never see my brother, my dad is over in Westpoint working, my mom is always busy pretending do do important things or freaking sleeping all day because she is a lazy bitch with mental problems who thinks it's okay to lie and slack off and generally be a useless money hole. Great female role model, right? lol, it's a good thing I don't really give a shit about her because otherwise her crazyness might have rubbed off on me by now. I pretty much gave up on caring about her when I was ten. I couldn't take her bullshit anymore, and I had poured so much love into this black hole and gotten nothing out. Sometimes I just wish my dad would freaking divorce her already. It's not like they love eachother or anything anyways. And I should know, considering my mom tells me about her sex life all the fucking time (she has none, by the way) because she's a whiny bitch who has no real friends and uses me as a big freaking therapist. Yeah, I TOTALLY need THAT bullshit aside from my OWN fucking problems. *sigh*

So I kind of need some proffesional help right now, which I already have- lol therapy! But what I think I REALLY need is somebody who really really loves me, who will call me every night to see how my day went, who I can look forward to seeing... but sadly, I can't have a boyfriend because I'm moving and would have to leave him anyways. Plus, nobody at my high school gives a shit about me because they're all a bunch of midless selfish dipshits who can't even open their eyes to look around them for once in the miserable lives. God, I just wanna throw rocks at peoples houses! This is so unlike me... God, I'm fucking MENTAL right now! What am I going to do!?!?

The day after Halloween....

Means I have to wait 364 more days till Halloween D:

BOOOOOOOOOO.

Halloween was okay for me... I didn't go trick-or-treating, but I did go to a party. Very few trick or treaters showed up at my house, which sucked because I knew people would love my costume. I was myself, by which I mean I was a witch, and no, not the kind that gets squished under flying houses from kansas. The real kind. Anyways, I looked great, lol. Through unexplicable party mayhem, my witch hat got a couple holes burned in it. Guess I'll have to go to Dollar Tree to get another one...The kind I really want though is those old ones made out of velvet or leather or whatever. THAT would be awesome.

So it looks like I' be moving at the end of November, because the banks suck and my mom has bank-paperwork-avoidance-syndrome. Grr. Oh well.

Oh, the Halloween event on Gaia was fun, although a little...off-topic...? I go to Gaiaonline.com because it's a super chat site. Look me up! My two accounts are Spiritiger and Autumn Gracy.

My parakeets are having a love-hate relationship right now...kinda funny, really. One is a baby and one is 7 yeras old, but they're opposite sexes, so I guess they're having problems gettin on the love. heh...

Happy Samhain!

Or Halloween, or All hallows eve, or all saints day, or day of the dead, or (I could go on)...

Anyways, so I haven't been on lately because GUESS WHAT! I'll give you one word: Oink

I got the SWINE FLU! :D

Yaaaaaay isn't it lovely. No. It's not lovely. It very anti-lovely. In fact, I would rather I not have it considering I've been sick about a week straight and it's killing my planning time for Samhain. See, I'm having this party on the 30th, and then I go to another on halloween night. Cool, right? Yes, but only if I'm alive by then (or not a virulent walking grave factory, as the case may be.)

Things I have learned about Swine flu since last week:

1. It's not so bad, only -Fever, -Cramps that could cripple a rhinocerous, -Migrain from hell, -Coughs so bad your sure that was your lung you just hacked up, -and lastly, diharrea, -Nauseousness, -and wooziness. Oh, and Lack of appetite and total wiped-outed-ness.

2. It's fun to be part of a crazy world-epidemic, but only for the first couple hours, and only if it doesn't involve the risk of personal injury or death. But I, being accustomed to bad news, (I have scholiosis- my spine wants to kill me! :D) trudged forth with a big smile on my face and a cough in my lungs. "Are you part of the Swine flu club?" I happily asked the five other people that were going home sick in the past half hour (So far it's been 50 kids per day at my school, plus 200 absent. They were thinking about closing it, but hey, they figured since they had the other 80% of kids to infect, so they might as well stay open. Lovely.).

So I'm thinking once I get over it I'm going to make a T-shirt that says, "I survived the swine flu and all I got were these crappy anti-bodies!", but in the meantime I can sit on the side of the road with a sign boldly proclaiming, "Swine Flu Club- We're Recruiting!"

*Note- I don't actually have a sign like that, nor do I sit on the side of the road and heckle people, but hey, that would be cool.

You know what? I think my sense of humor has gratly improved on my blog since I got infected. ...Or am I being cocky?

Oh, we got a new parakeet last week. I named him Artemis, after one of the characters in my novels. He looks perpetually sad because of the way the feathers lay over his eyes, and the blue splotches on his cheeks look like teardrops. I picked him because I root for the sad looking animals :)

So, yes, I have an emo parakeet.

And he likes heavy metal. (No, really, it's the only time he sings.)

How cool is that?

Oink Oink :)

Guess what? (I'm alive!)

Hey guys. I'm on my old gaming computer as I type this, because my parents needed my laptop to scout out apartments while they go to Westpoint to work. Well, my dad is working, my mom's just looking for places to stay.

So yeah, I'm moving to Westpoint, New York, leaving my older brother behind here to take care of our house and finish up college. Kinda sucky because I'll like never ever see him, but then again I never really got to see him anyways with how busy he was. He says he wants to buy me a web cam so we can webchat, but I kind of wonder when he'll have the time. Oh well. There's always facebook I suppose. Oh, yeah- the picture up there is of Westpoint. It's rght near the Hudson river, which I guess is cool but then again it will be super cold in the winter. Plus I hate that harbor-ey smell. But maybe that's only with oceans...

Anyways, the move's kinda retarded because I'm like a fourth through my junior year here and I always thought I would graduate here. I've been in the same school district with the same people my whole life, and I always thought I would be there at my class's graduation and live out the perks of being a senior here, but no, the LAST year of my education (well, one and a half years) I get ripped away and have to start new at some other school.

On TOP of this, I made up with my (ex-ex)best friend only to lose her again AND my mom followed through with wrenching my lovely little baby Blackjack (my cat) away from me so I don't even have a pet to console me (besides fish and a REALLY grumpy parakeet, neither of which actually care nor have the brains enough to know you are sad). Plus, the school days here seem so pointless because I know I'm not going to finish any of my classes or see any of my friends again or get credit for my work here. So I'm pretty much drifting through the school halls these days, barely feeling emotion, or, if any, helplessness and despair.

UGH! Being sad for this long is so retarded! Crap!

So I'm supposed to be starting at this new high school called O'Neal or some hick-sounding name like that, which also happens to be in the middle of valley smushed between two mountains which means it: 1- floods a lot, because it's barely above water level, 2- has the shittiest cellphone reception ever because the cell towers are pretty much on the other side of the mountains, and 3- HOLY CRAP I'M GOING TO LIVE SOMEWHERE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

...Boooooooooo.

Well, I suppose my good friend the internet won't be going anywhere.

...I hope.

The one GOOD thing about moving there is Westpoint is only 50 miles away from New York city! So I can go watch the ball drop this year! :)

Hello, World

So I've made it through the week alive and tomorrow's friday so I can rejoice. Even though I haven't been getting much work from classes, my schedule is still hectic as all-get-out, so I still come home exhausted. I've been having to take a nap every day after school and that is something I've never ever had to do before, so I think having so little contact in my classes with other people is really draining my energy. *sigh* but enough about me. Oh... wait, no, this is my blog and I'm allowed to rant on here. Nevermind.

Anyways, so Mabon is in 11 days and I'm not even sure what to do about it because I've been passed out like all week and I only just remembered about it now. (lol) No, seriously, like right now, as I was typing this. So... for obvious reasons my little tri-coven won't be getting together, since it was only me, my best friend and my ex-best friend... but I'm definitely going to have a bonfire. With smores. Maybe.

Yeah, that sounds good for now. I'll plan it later. For now, I write!

-Carling

And you know what...?

My ex-friend and I, we share the same name.... and I want nothing to do with it. Everytime I look at my schoolwork, cards, anything, I always am reminded of her. In those five little letters, I don't see myself, I see the smirking face of a condescending bitch who deserves nothing of me.

And, thusly, I formally denounce my name.

I mind it not, in sooth, does not a rose smell just as sweet by any other name? Mayhap it may smell even sweeter.

This past summer...

Ugh! That's all I have to say about it. It's been a terrible, terrible summer in all aspects! Firstly, my school let out way too late, and my summer break only actually really started for me on the first of July. Then, of course the weather's been absolutely horrible! It's been the rainiest summer ever recorded in my area, and the skies were just consistently grey and ugly. Then I went to Young Life camp up in the mountains hoping it would be the vacation I so desperately needed, only to be completely blown off by my friend (the one I refuse to see ever again, for reasons quite related to her behavior this summer). She said some really stupid bullshit that made me want to leave her and my god-forsaken little town for good, which may actually happen (it's about a 70% chance, I'd say) because my dad was laid off half a year ago, and has virtually exhausted the job field in this area.

So I had to deal with the stress of maybe-moving the WHOLE summer and on top of that I kept questioning my relationship with my now ex-boyfriend. Then it was my birthday the day I got home from camp, but it took me two weeks to have a party for it because I'd been too busy planning for the camping trip which actually ended up being one of the WORST weeks of my life. The ironic thing is, even though it was a horrible week, I still had to pay my parents half of the camp fee, $250.00 ! So it was like I payed to be miserable somewhere else, when I could have been miserable right here! (lol)

Anyways so my birthday party which I had been looking forward to forever and a half was terrible as well. I'd given my ex-friend one more chance by inviting her to the party, but she was a complete bitch and pretty much sucked every body's attention dry. ( --Does that make sense to anybody else...?)

Yep, she's a fun-sucker.

Anyways, so she gobbled up every body's attention and I was left in the back of the room wondering how I wasn't even part of the conversation, considering it was at my house and I was the host and everything (not to mention it was kind of my birthday, lol). So my ex-friend steals my laptop (without asking, how rude is that...??) and just starts showing all of these random videos to people, and I'm in the corner like, "what just happened...?"

So I left.

Period. I just left the room, went downstairs, and would you know it took those *grits her teeth trying not to call her friends bad names* @$%&*$@# ten whole minutes before they even realised I was gone? Kind of amazing, since I had to practically step on their faces to get to the door and everything.

So yeah, I was really pissed off this summer... plus all the crops we planted in our garden were stunted first by the lousy weather, then the ones that actually did manage to grow were eaten off by lousy raccoons before they even got ripe, and my brother proceeded to trap and kill the raccoons without asking me or anybody else, which really pissed me off because I'm wiccan and the whole "I F-ing love the whole world" thing, so yeah, it was a terrible summer.

Sheesh. And I still am probably going to move, but at this point, hell, I want to get out of this stinking place.

Films you desperately need to see.

I'm not going to bother even trying to explain how impossibly awesome these movies are, because you'll understand why if you watch them anyways. So here you go, a little 'to do' list for the rest of your summer that I know you're frantically trying to pack as much fun into as possible. Oh, clips or posters included, lol. 'Cause I love you. ...And I'm bored.

Donnie Darko

Watchmen

V for Vendetta

Ironman

Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail

Waking Life

Flagpole Sitta

Flagpole Sitta-Harvey Danger

I had visions, I was in them
I was looking into the mirror
to see a little bit clearer
the rottenness and evil in me

fingertips have memories
mine can't forget the curves of your body
and when I feel a bit naughty
I run it up the flagpole and see who salutes
(but no one ever does)

I'm not sick but I'm not well
and I'm so hot cause I'm in hell

been around the world and found
that only stupid people are breeding
the cretins cloning and feeding
and I don't even own a tv

put me in the hospital for nerves
and then they had to commit me
you told them all i was crazy
they cut off my legs now I'm an amputee, god damn you

I'm not sick but I'm not well
and I'm so hot cause I'm in hell
I'm not sick but I'm not well
and it's a sin to live so well

I wanna publish zines
and rage against machines
I wanna pierce my tongue
it doesn't hurt, it feels fine
the trivial sublime
i'd like to turn off time
and kill my mind
you kill my mind

paranoia paranoia
everybody's coming to get me
just say you never met me
I'm running underground with the moles, digging holes
hear the voices in my head
i swear to god it sounds like they're snoring
but if you're bored then you're boring
the agony and the irony, they're killing me

I'm not sick but I'm not well
and I'm so hot cause I'm in hell
I'm not sick but I'm not well
and it's a sin to live this well.

My name.

Oh, by the way, I suppose I've done all this ranting and I haven't even properly introduced myself yet! How rude of me, yes? Sorry!

My bloggername- Carling Beldon Raff- It's an alias, of course. Can't have people from my school finding this, now can I? Nor my friends nor especially nor my boyfriend.

Anyways, the name is comprised of three old english names. (I love old english!)

Carling means 'hill wehre old women or witches gather'

Beldon means 'beautiful pasture, child of the unspoiled glen

Raff means 'wolf, wise counsel'

I also have other alias' and a pen name and even a nickname... but I can't list them or else, well, how am I supposed to remain anonymous?

Anyways, thanks for listening to all my ranting so far. *embarressed smile*

Got the going back to school blues?

I do too... I'm definitely not looking forward to it... but hey, at least I'm going to have my drivers permit by then...! Not that I could drive a car to school even if I wanted to, but I guess it's something.

I'm just not really excited about seeing the same people again and again every day (most of which barely acknoledge my existence). It just gets old. It also gets annoying, once people start spreading rumors about you that don't ever seem to go away... I've got some nasty ones about me too. Apparently some people think I'm stuck up and that's why I don't usually talk to people out of my immediate freind circle (which is so infintessimally small it's not even funny; it's rather sad actually). Also there's one about me being a lesbian. Not true! My boyfriend can attest to that. People just assume that I like girls because they never see me with any guys in school. Why you ask? They're all completely immature. That's why I ended up dating a guy four years older than me, and even then he's still a bit immature at times. Suffice to say, he already graduated high school so he's never around me during the day. *boo* That's why people think I'm a lesbian. Also because one of my former frie-I mean leeches, who shall go unnamed tagged along with me so much people thought we were...*shiver* dating. Bleck. So now I have all these retarded rumors floating around my head for no good reason. At least I have my art to carry me through, eh? Even though I'm one of the best artists at my high school nobody seems to know I even like art. Weird, huh? I know...I don't get it either. I do have to admit I get a sort of rush every time somebody looks over my desk and says "Oh my god, did you draw that...!?". It's not really enough to get me through general adversity unscathed, though. ...Pity.

I also have this guy who keeps stalking me at school. The worst part is, we were in classes together since pre-school and I can remember him doing some pretty horrible stuff, but he doesn't remember me at all, and fell hopelessly in love with me last year. As I said before, I already have a boyfriend #1, #2, I don't really like him...plus he's not excatly adonnis if you get my drift. *Takes sharp inhalation of air and sighs* WHY is it that only the crazy people stalk me? Why can't I get stalked by a hot guy for once!? (Yup, I've been stalked before, too. Creepy, eh?) Anyways, I hope he forgot about me over the summer. I'd hate to break his little heart, y'know?

So remember how in school there was always that one guy who you were madly in love with but he had no clue you even existed? Same here. Sort of. He says hi to me in the halls and everything, but he's a year older than me and not in any of my classes, so I almost never see him. *cry* And I know, I know, I already have a boyfriend, so I shouldn't even be thinking about other guys, but... but... curse him! Why must he be so hot!? He's an artist like me, too, and he even plays the sax and takes french. Holy crap, right? I've known him since 6th grade... and I've crushed on him since then too. He's always been my 'what if' guy, and I've tried really hard to get him to notice me a bit more, but nothing seems to work out. It's like fate hates me. *boo* I love my boyfriend to death, but there's just something about my 'what if' guy that he doesn't have... and I get this feeling around him like metal drawn to a magnet. I guess I started going out with my current boyfriend because he's just...always been there, y'know? And we share tragic pasts (family matters gone awry). But I have this feeling it can't go on much longer... he, meanwhile, is obsessed with me in a great way, and the nicest guy I've ever met, but I just can't see me marrying him, and if I can't see that then why am I with him? I think he was always just a really, really good friend. ...With kissing. I don't know how I can break a heart made of gold! It' just so hard. I've thought about breaking up with him for half a year already but I just can't seem to do it! And he's clueless about how I feel. When I'm with him it's like, "I love you!" And when I'm alone it's like, "...but do I really?". Anyways, the whole situation is horrible. It's like one man presents a stable, fun relationship, and the other offers a whole new exciting world with all these awesome possibilities, and I guess one could say my relationship with my boyfriend has gotton stale, but only on my half of the biscuit, hear me? *headdesk*

So school.

Yeah.

Not looking forward to it.

The Anthem

The Anthem- Good Charlotte


(Yeah, here we go)
It's a new day, but it all feels old
It's a good life, that's what I'm told
But everything, it all just feels the same

At my high school, it felt more to me
Like a jail cell, a penitentiary
My time spent there, it only made me see

That I don't ever wanna be like you
I don't wanna do the things you do
I'm never gonna heed the words you say
and I don't ever wanna,
I don't ever wanna be
You...don't wanna be just like you

Oh what I'm sayin' is this is the anthem,
throw all your hands up, you...
don't wanna be you

Go to college, a university,
get a real job,
That's what they said to me
But I could never live the way they want

I'm gonna get by, and just do my time,
out of step while,
they all get in line
I'm just a minor threat so pay no mind

Do you really wanna be like them,
do you really wanna be another trend?
Do you wanna be part of that crowd?
'cause I don't ever wanna, I don't ever wanna be
You...don't wanna be just like you
Oh what I'm sayin' is this is the anthem throw all your hands up,
you, don't wanna be you

Shake it once, that's fine
Shake it twice, that's okay
Shake it three times, you're playing with yourself, again.

You...don't wanna be just like you

What I'm sayin' is this is the anthem
throw all your hands up,
Y'all got to feel me, sing if you're with me,
you, don't wannabe just like you (just like you)

This is the anthem throw all your hands up,
y'all got to feel me, sing if you're with me

Another loser anthem (whoa-oh)
Another loser anthem (whoa-oh)
Another loser anthem (whoa-oh)
Another loser anthem

'Ello mates...

Hey there... I guess this blog, though I have others, is about getting a fresh start. I'm not quite sure what I want to do with it yet, but that's the fun of it, right?

I will however, be posting things about Wicca, and some personal issues for ventings sake, however; any person in my blogs will go nameless. I've been blogged about before in a nasty sort of way and I, unlike said nameless person, refuse to hurt people via the internet. If you're going to hurt people, hurt them in your thoughts; better to follow the Wiccan rede and Harm Ye None.

Anyways, I guess this blog's going to get pretty random at times, knowing myself. I'll probably be posting song lyrics and other such things so... it'll be interesting, I suppose. Anyways, best not to overload the first post. I hope you all enjoy this.

Merry part, blessed be!